Can't talk luv, the footy's on.

Us blokes are a shifty lot. Depending on the fortunes of our favourite sports team we can be angry, happy, hurtful or wonderfully generous (my mates dad once bought a holiday house for his family on the internet after his team won a rather tight finals clash). But one certainty remains through all of the ups and downs. When the sport’s on – be it radio, internet or TV, our focus is on one thing: winning. And during that time it’s important for women to understand what’s going through our minds so you don’t get upset. So ladies grab a pen and paper and take note.

The cardinal rule:

There is nothing to talk about during the game except the game.

Let me repeat:

There is nothing to talk about during the game except the game.

Weddings, books, make-up, the newest nightclub, your best friends new boyfriend, babies, potential kitchen decorations, your best friends ex-boyfriend, new recipes, your boobs (actually usually forgiven), whether Prada handbags are worth the expense etc, are all what I call NDSD’s (Not During Sport Discussions). It’s not that we don’t mind having them generally…. After work is fine. During work is fine. In bed is fine. But ONLY if there is no sport on!

How to put it in perspective? It’s like if you’re having coffee with your girlfriends and some bloke comes along trying to change the topic from the newest cross stitch design (don’t lie) to nude female mud wrestling (also a legitimate sporting contest I’ll add). Not kosher right? Same applies with us and sport.

Sport for us is a spiritual experience. The TV is our altar and when we’re praying for the safe delivery of our team from the clutches of the opposition there’s nothing to do but just be there quietly and support us. It’s life and death stuff you know? And for years it was taken as a given. You think when Caeser was sitting in the stands sweating for his beloved lions in their daily scrap against some fresh Christians, Cleopatra was in his ear saying ‘Baby, after the game I’d love to drop down to Herrod’s and grab some of that Byzantinium pefume!’?? No way! She was just sitting there, passing him a beer every now and then and quietly dreaming about her next conquest in North Africa.

So during the game my advice is this. Be quiet and appear interested. If you want to barrack that’s cool too but make sure it’s not against the man. That’s into dangerous relationship category. In fact the man would prefer (if you’re genuinely not interested) if went shopping, baked a cake or did some kickboxing.

What about after the game? Well if the bloke has won pat him on the back, say ‘well done’ (we always think we had a part in it) and say ‘let’s go out for a beer’. On the way throw in a few meaningless comments about the game to get him excited. Example: ‘Did you see Brown? He was amazing!’. To which he will laugh in a superior manner and explain that whilst Brown was indeed playing well it was nothing on the show he put on two weeks ago and furthermore that Mercurio (not withstanding a mid week slip up in a nightclub caught by the tabloids) was actually the best player on the park. To which you ooh and ahh and generally revel in his expert grasp of the game.

If, god forbid, his team loses things can get delicate. Please don’t laugh. It’s not funny…. It’s sad. And your bloke needs time to get over things. Let him go for a walk, punch a hole in the wall or swear at the kids playing outside. There are limits of course. He shouldn’t be moping for more than say, 6 days, as that’s when the next game comes along and by then he’ll be fooling himself into thinking his team can actually win. If you’re feeling adventurous try making a derogatory comment about the refs and you might find yourself on the right side of fuming man.

It’s true that men aren’t that complicated. Apart from being happy with you, we just want our team to win, and in the process, believe we had something to do with it. So girls, grab us a beer, let us scratch the nether region and dream about victory.